The Golf Guru: things every golfer should know

Q You imply often that we hackers do not hit shots anywhere near as far as we like to think. Are we generally so far off? Is there any research?

Dave Russell, North Smithfield, R.I.

A The Golf Guru used to play with a guy called Reginald, whose nickname was "Half Wedge." On par 3s, he'd take his pitching wedge, hood the face, play it back in his stance and hurl himself at the ball, just so he could announce to no one in particular: "Yeah, this hole is just a half wedge for me." Poor old Half Wedge Reg. He seldom reached the green. According to research conducted by Golf Digest, the average male golfer hits it 198 yards off the tee--but thinks he hits it 227. As the saying goes: If only, just once, I would play my usual game.

I would like to know the proper way to repair a ball mark on the green.

Brian Bennett, Lexington, Ky.

Some golfers attack ball marks with such vigor that it looks like they're planting potatoes. Others ignore them. Don't be like them. First, get yourself a pitch-mark repair tool--using a tee, pencil or car keys just doesn't work. Second, stick it into the green, behind the ball mark, at a slight angle so that the tips of the prongs are beneath the edge of the crater. Third, pull the handle toward you so that the turf is squished into place over the mark. Repeat around the edges as necessary (don't try to pull the ground up). Fourth, tamp down the ground with your putter. For good karma and all around love of humanity, find another ball mark and repeat.

I heard that iced tea and lemonade mixed together is known as an "Arnold Palmer." I've ordered it by name, but maybe one server in four knows what I'm talking about. Is it widely known?

Bob Shaw, Sylvania, Ohio

An Arnold Palmer is indeed a concoction of iced tea and lemonade in equal parts. "Mr. Palmer has enjoyed this refreshing combination his whole life," according to Mr. Palmer's website, where, for $19.92, you can purchase a 24-pack of the stuff. (There's a good reason why, at 76, Arnie is still among the highest paid "athletes" in the world.) The Golf Guru has never mastered iced tea. Tea should be prepared with boiling water (not lukewarm, please) and served piping hot, as it has been for 7,000 years. Iced tea, popularized during a heat wave at the St. Louis World's Fair in 1904 (where, incidentally, the ice cream cone was born), is but an aberration. Far be it for me to disobey the King, but for a post-round tipple, I prefer something stronger.

GROANERS *

The top five things you should never say to the beverage-cart girl:

5. "Mom needs another scotch."

4. "Do you have any prune juice? I'm a little backed up."

3. "Just put the beer in the cart next to the severed head."

2. "I'd like to go 'off the menu,' if you know what I mean."

1. "You remind me of Tim Herron."

An American goes on his first trip to Scotland. On the first tee at the Old Course, he slices his tee shot out-of-bounds.

As he re-tees, he turns to his caddie and says, "What do you call a mulligan in Scotland?" The caddie replies, "We call it hitting 3."

A golfer slices into the woods. When he finds his ball, he sees a small opening through the trees where he can still reach the green. He tries the risky shot, but the ball hits a branch, screams back at his head and kills him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter sees that the man is still dressed in his golf clothes and asks, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replies, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

What's the difference between a Champions Tour event and a tax seminar?

You'd go to a tax seminar.

Brilliant TV commentary from recent golf tournaments:

"She's not long, but she's straight enough that she's long."--Val Skinner, The Golf Channel

"Hindsight is 100 percent."--Gary Koch, NBC

"You have to control the distance of your shots."--Mary Bryan, CBS

"As the sun goes down, it gets a little darker."--Lanny Wadkins, CBS

* WARNING: IN RARE CASES, THESE JOKES HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO INDUCE MILD LAUGHTER.

Send questions for the The Golf Guru (with name and hometown) to guru@golfdigest.com.